Married by Elvis
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: Deidara finds that he can, in fact, have [wild mansex with] his cake, and eat it too. [Deidara.Hidan.Itachi. Innuendos for all.]


_A/N_; Apparently, you can't write "yaoi" without a lemon. And so, this is but mere shonen-ai. Sorry if you were craving sex; I is does be incapable of that. But I can totally write innuendos!!  
_Disclaimer_; Characters belong to Kishimoto. Except Kakuzu. He's mine. –SUED!-

**Married By Elvis**

It is morning a hotel in Las Vegas, and we find Deidara promptly choking on his own saliva.

"GAY!?! I'M NOT GAY!!"

Hidan sighed, lying on his stomach amidst a sea of fluffy white pillows and blankets. "Dude." He gestured to himself and (a rather naked) Itachi, who was sitting on a chair across the room, legs crossed tightly, the haughty look on his face an obvious attempt to hide his embarrassment. "When you get married to two guys and you're a guy _yourself_, that's gay."

"That's when you're drunk," Itachi corrected before looking away again. Hidan nodded slightly and let his legs arc in the air, continuously swinging and hitting the head of the bed while glancing up to his right at Deidara, who was in a mad fit of blushing rage. The explosive expert stared wildly back at Hidan.

"ISN'T POLYGAMY… AGAINST YOUR RELIGION, OR SOMETHING, UN!?"

Hidan shrugged. "I'm not Christian. However, I'm pretty sure three of the positions Itachi was in last night have ensured us a space in hell, seriously."

Itachi blushed at the same moment a goat gave birth to a chicken, and Earth made brief contact with Pluto, which was, contrary to scientific belief, a planet.

"Besides," Hidan continued, ignoring the fact that Deidara looked ready to faint any minute, "I _told_ you that our little endeavors would get us no where but Vegas, and getting married by a preacher named Elvis." He grinned and laughed. "Wait till Kakuzu hears! He's always liked Elvis…"

Deidara's skin was crawling. "I… and then… I can't remember everything!!"

"On no?" Hidan snorted, rolling on his back and yanking the blanket from Deidara's hidden lap, emitting a loud curse from the blond. "I remember _everything_."

"FUCK!!" Deidara cried, scrambling back under the covers. "This is so, so messed up… un…" he said weakly as Hidan continued.

"You young guys have no resistance to alcohol, seriously. Live for a century or two, and it takes a lot more than ten shots to wear you out." He sighed. "You two are such fucking pansies."

Itachi glared at the wall. Deidara scowled into the warm dark. "Shut up, un."

Unfortunately for the younger two, this was Hidan, who, even when decapitated, was physically unable to shut up.

"What are you gonna tell Kisame-san?" he asked Itachi, sneer evident on his features.

"What are you implying?" Itachi fired back coolly, a question for a question. Hidan snickered.

"You know what I'm talking about, whipper-snapper. I've heard you two through those fucking thin walls. Our room is right next to yours."

"Speaking of which… Kakuzu won't kill me, right, un?" He shivered. "Those strings freak me out."

"Why would he kill you? He's got no motive."

"As you said, our room is next to the one you two share, and the walls are _awfully_ thin…" Itachi said softly, smirking. "You make about the same noise as Kisame and I, if not more so."

Touché.

"Ewww!" Deidara said, wrinkling his nose. "Two old men getting it on? That's sick."

_Then you've never had Kakuzu._ "Well at least I've never had a plastic bitch in my pants," Hidan replied scathingly.

"He was not plastic, un!!"

"Oh, _sorry_," the religious man said sarcastically. "Well then, thank Jashin I've never had splinters on my di--"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, UN!!!"

"Geez," Hidan said, rolling his eyes. "Be a fucking man about it, why don't you?"

"I'm leaving," Itachi said, standing shamelessly and striding into the bathroom. He ducked as the presence of a small, heavy missile was hurled at his head. It hit the wall above the bathtub with a small _thunk_ and rolled around in the large, white bowl of plastic. The Uchiha turned back to look at the bed before further inspection. Hidan was laying there, grinning cheekily at him.

"Your ring, wifey."

_- Fin -_

**For **_**Deibby**_**, who has requested on more than one occasion that I make Hidan call Deidara and Itachi "whipper-snappers."  
****A bunch of these lines are taken from a conversation I've had with **_**Deibby**_** and our Itachi (who is IRL named Caroline, but she is Ita-chan to us) a few weeks back. We plan to do a skit with it next March in Anime St. Louis (at which I hope to see some of my readers!). Except… in the real convo, **_**Deibby**_** was just as bad as me.****  
Oh, and by the way, Itachi's old enough to drink.  
**(… water)  
**-Bya**


End file.
